Thus far it has been an exercise of pain, pain and more pain. To start, let me start at the beginning.
Before summer could even get here, I faced the loss of my dear Rizolvir aka Dizzy. I've spoken about it before, and the loss was not easy to bear. I had cherished him since he was a baby with blue still in his eyes. I knew his health was not what it had been, but I was not prepared. His passing was gentle as Bast reclaimed one of her own. But there was a hole left in my heart and life with his loss. Mourning brought on more stress and depression. Having battled depression all of my adult life, this was not an easy time.
On with the summer. I have insanely sensitive skin, that the least little thing can upset, thanks to a pain in the ass nervous condition. It sucks, as you can imagine, but it also hurts like hell! Most people get mild irritation and move on. Not me. My skin breaks out, blisters, develops hives, etc. It is a bitch to live with. This also pushes my stress levels through the roof and often aggravates the asthma that I've had for years. So the more uncomfortable my skin is, the harder it is to remain calm (where I can lessen the effects) and in worst case scenarios my asthma kicks in and breathing becomes a huge, dangerous problem.
Well, this summer started with a ton of stress. Noisy neighbors getting high and making asses of themselves for days on end, mind you the police around here are pretty useless (except for the K-9 officers--they're cool!) so we have no recourse or protection here, despite noise ordinances being broken. So bouts of drunk and high assholes making so much noise that my windows rattle in their frames and my floors shake like we are in the midst of a 9.5 earthquake really aggravated my stress levels and put added strain on my heart. Damn fucktards.
All of this, in turn led to ragged bouts of stress and insomnia. The insomnia led to further eye strain, like I needed that, and asthma attacks like I hadn't had in years.
With stress the chronic rhumatoid arthritis, which I've had since the age of 5 or 6, which was not diagnosed until I was nearly 20, I found myself unable to leave the house. And here comes the ol' claustrophobia flare up. Fuck! You can't go anywhere when your skin is so senstive you cannot bear clothes touching you. To wear anything made me break out in a painful welted rash. Damn stress.
This daily pressure, daily pain kept me so tense that it only worsened the condition. This in turn put major stress on my back, which was nearly broken some years ago. The injury reasserted itself, so now it is impossible to find a position that I find comfortable to sit. So I pad my chair with foam and pillows until it looks like the Princess and the Pea is alive and well. As the injury is very low on the spine, sitting is a raging bitch. No nice way to put it.
There are times that I have to lie down or soak in a hot tub just to tolerate the pain. Most meds do not ease the pain, but do make me deathly sick. So I am forced to go OTC and aid that with herbs, teas and long soaks. There have been times that I thought I was going to be stuck in the tub forever! Man, that was depressing.
On June 15th I lost my precious Biggy. He was a rescue kitty being thrown out by his owners, as they had developed sudden allergies. They say this to the woman with asthma and allergies??? Any way, Biggy had only been with us four years, but he made a BIG impression! I never regretted us taking him or his siblings in. Wonderful, sweet kids, each one. But having come from a place of neglect and abuse, he was not as healthy nor young as his years or as he should have been. We loved him, pampered him and got him to a place where he was very happy. This big sweet kid, a Maine Coon, was my nap buddy, my nigh on constant companion for these past four years. When I would work or write, he was there to help me. When I was depressed, he cuddled me. When I was sick he would fuss and let Cain know it. If I was in the bath too long he came to the door and called out until I answered him. Our lives are colder and dimmer without him in it.
In the mean time, we are both doing one day at a time, trying to not stress, trying to heal and recover. But that has been made more difficult as Cain's employers at his part time job find it necessary to dump their responsibilities on him, dump slacker employees' tasks at his feet and expect him, to basically babysit for them. Since he started work there they have grown lazy and absent, presumptuous and callous.
We have not gotten to spend a birthday or anniversary together in over six years. When we made plans for his days off, they called and insisted he cover for some lazy bastard who stayed home drunk! So a lot of what stresses me has been due to their actions. Cain gets stressed and then I get stressed, and then he worries about me and gets more stressed. So, hell yeah, he is looking for something else! This part time job has eaten away at his health, his time, his patience and his freedom to write.
And for my part, I am so pissed off that I can't see straight. If these lazy, self important idiots would grow up and act their fucking age instead of being absentee owners who want to pass the buck and play at being preachers, they would not only be better people, but would be taking steps to actually do as Jesus would have done. As it is, I can see no likeness to Christ nor his teachings in them. Christ was fair, humble, compassionate, kind...he did not pass the buck, over work and under pay, nor did he allow those who worked for him to break the law and cover for them.
So, in a nutshell, there you have my summer and why I have not been very active online. I am way behind in my writing and editing. I can't see worth a damn, and the stress does effect the quality of my vision so says my doc. Anyway, I am trying to take it easy, to avoid another heart attack or stroke and to get back on track again. I am actually hoping that sharing this will lessen some of the stress as I am no longer trying to bottle everything up. I do that by the way, then I erupt. Not good.
